2010 February « The World hates the Truth. But I'll give it to you anyway.

eeyer i hate suspension.

February 27, 2010
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I’m starting to like how life is like now as i’ve finally gotten over the sloth-like, every minute feels like an hour, just wanna sleep until the next day phase. It was either because my hormones have been mutating like craaaazaayee thus giving me PMS that lasted a whole month OR my sinus has been so bad without me even noticing because i’m completely immunised to the disease to the point that i’ve been so deprived of oxygen in my sleep, hence the fatigue. Probably a mixture of both. A real crappy feeling that i don’t ever wanna go through again.

Anyway i’m also really glad i’m gonna start work next week cos at least i’ll have smth to take my mind of the horrid-ness of the coming friday. Shit i think the minute they announce the official date (although we all kinda know already) on the news i won’t ever be able to sleep cos the stinging reality of it all would just be prying my eyelids open and repeatedly poking my brain saying “HAHA you’re doooomed!” over and over again. It’s not so much the idea of not being able to go anywhere given my results because i know eventually there’ll always be a way out. It’s more this overwhelming fear that i’ll never be able to fulfill any personal goals i set for myself no matter how hard i work. I’ve only just begun to accept that the purely academic route is just not the way for me. I’ve struggled for too long and hiding from the truth is only hurting me more. I began my journey in jc with fresh perspectives and renewed determination to stop being a slacker but it only carried me so far. Sure i’ve made improvements and all that i’ll always be proud of but in the real world just improving is never enough. You need to exceed everybody else’s improvements and achievements. I’ve always felt like i only get back less than half of the effort i put in and it doesn’t help when there are people around you who just tower over you with their natural talent barely lifting a brain muscle. It may not always be as obvious as effortless success but you get the picture (their last minute blast-throughs vs your long term dilligence etc etc). Throughout school life i began to believe more and more that nothing is ever fair but really i’m starting to think that’s just feeling sorry for yourself ain’t it. If you’re not getting what you want then WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! You deserve to get what you want as much as that ass-kicking smart cookie wants to become a money-machine. It might not be the conventional route but who gives a damn. I can’t be Little Miss Hanging-Onto-A-Lifebuoy forever. Sometimes risk is worth it. The worst thing wld be to plunge into smth you’re only alright with only to remain stagnant confused and repressed a few years down the road. Go ahead and laugh. Tell me i just wasted two years in jc. So what if i did (even though i know i didn’t) cos at least i didn’t waste my life.

P.S. I’m not emo! Just letting loose.