The World hates the Truth. But I'll give it to you anyway.

Thoughts along the way.

Now when i finally have something substantial to say i figure tt probably no one reads this anymore cos they assume this is dead. Well it doesn’t really matter anyway but if you’re still reading this then i’m glad cos my views won’t go to waste. Eventually i’d probably share these thoughts with those who matter most to me anyway. I find tt too many ppl treat their blogs like a wall (talk to it to relieve ur pain and it won’t talk back) and then their friends wld be wondering “What the hell is wrong with my friend?!”, you panic,  then when you ask they say “Oh it’s nth now..” Well if you don’t wanna talk abt it then keep it to urself. Write it in a journal where u can tear out the pages and burn it later. I mean if it’s futile ramblings why let the whole world see?? Some ppl say tt’s wat blogging is for, to make urself feel better, i say tt’s wat the good ol’ pen and paper is for.

OKAY enough with the complaining. As i was saying i had something substantial to say.. Okay so every once in a while you meet with experiences tt completely change ur view of the world and the way you thought it out to be. For me i met two. While in Austria i went to visit the mother of my mum’s old friend (with my mum of course). This lady is nothing less than a Braveheart. She’s nearing her nineties i think and lived a pretty normal life having four daughters and all. Only she has withstood the most excruciating amount of pain i believe any mother can endure. She has already buried three of her own children having lost them all to cancer. What’s worse is that her remaining daughter has never bothered to call her or keep in touch ever since she moved to America. She now lives alone with her helper in the very house that she raised her family in with the only evidence of family being the yellowing photos she keeps in ancient looking picture frames perched on window sills and on the wall. Before age caught up with her body and before it took her a full three minutes to walk to the neighboring room, she was an excellent crafts lady of her time, as my mum told me, and she spent her time doing crochet embroidery, sewing doll’s dresses, cross-stitch etc. Yet all her art hangs on the walls of her house for only her helper and the occasional visitor to appreciate. Even though we had only just met i was constantly filled with such immense sadness the whole time i was in that house. At one point i had to look out the window to make sure nobody saw me tearing up. Maybe the darkness in the rooms just accentuated the sadness i felt for her and the unimaginable anguish in her gut each time she glanced at the pictures of the family that once was. Maybe i was feeling emotional that day. Maybe i never imagined someone having to live through her golden years in that way. What if her children once swore to themselves they’d take care of their parents the way they once took care of them but never got the chance? I was half expecting tears when she told my mum about her last daughter. But no.. Not even a slight redness. I guess she no longer knew how to cry having probably already bawled her eyes out one too many times. Being a parent is more than a label and the expectations that come with it. It’s the physical pain and emotional strength one must endure to ensure the growth of one’s child. So no matter how many mistakes a parent has made he or she was still the one to keep you alive from birth till today. Our parents still deserve love and respect. They are human after all.

Just one more little gem for you.. so my mum has a neighbor in Austria she’s been really close to since young. She was divorced from an unhappy marriage a long time ago and it took her a long time to settle down again. She eventually got married again but by then she was reaching her mid forties and it was getting difficult for her to have kids. Finally she had one beautiful little boy (who’s still really beautiful by the way.. he’s nine.. haha) and that was pretty much the only kid she could have. She wanted more so she started looking into adoption. She came to meet a little boy who was put in foster care because his mum was a drug abuser and suffering from mental problems. At first she took him in on weekdays as a companion for her son but it seems his biological mum is not in good shape at all to take care of him so she took him in full time. She has been looking after him for a few years already so even tho the paper work has not officially made him her adopted son, he is already like a brother to her first son and he calls her “Mama”. He is such a cute boy and your heart can’t help but melt when you look at his soft innocent grey eyes. To think that a kid like him will never have a normal biological family really breaks my heart but then when you see the love in his adopted family you are instantly at ease once again. Everything about him shouts perfect. He’s sweet, polite and not afraid to take a third helping of sweet pastries. Yet he may one day be faced with an identity crisis, confusion and anger when he remembers his birth mum. But i really don’t believe anything will stop him from having a perfect family..

Untitled.

I have no idea why but i seem to have very little on my mind these days. I have nothing i feel needs to be expressed. Oddly enough. Even though my uni applications are in the midst of being processed and i’m awaiting good news i still feel so.. mellow. Maybe silence (of the mind) is contentment. I guess i’m just happy with how life is now. Stress and worry free. Work just provides me with movement and a schedule that i can wake up to instead of drifting aimlessly through the days. I’m so glad my room has been put together and i can’t wait for my first sleepover with TWO friends in my NEW room. It’s so excitingggg. On another note i must now try my best to avoid any drama with a friend. I’d hate to lose another friend cos of stupid feelings. Damn that f word.

I can’t stop smiling.

For once in my life i can believe that everything happens for a reason. I’ve finally proven to myself the power of believing. Every setback and failure has given me a chance to grow stronger braver and better. To priscy hannah victoria lim singh damien mark neeraj and wong jieh, i’m so proud of every single one of you. Despite all the criticism and lack of hope we’ve had to face WE MADE IT THROUGH. And be thankful and absolutely proud of yourselves that you’ll never have to go through it again. We’ve survived! Together!! (: I think the best part of this all was being able to be genuinely happy for everyone, what with all the hugs laughter and tears of joy plus being able to say “I’m so proud of you” to each other.. We’ve all improved in one way or another and that’s reason enough to be joyful. I’m still in slight wonder and disbelief at all that has been achieved but HECK it’s a beautiful kind of shock. IN YOUR FACE PRINCIPAL TAN. I can just laugh at my intense ranting of a post in june ’09 now. For this one time i’m gonna say that PJ’s pretty awesome and i think tt i shldn’t have ever doubted the kind of education i was receiving. But of course it’s also very much down to the individual. I’m delirious to be finally past this phase in my life (: For anyone  who din live up to their expectations, don’t wallow in shame and sadness because that will just drag you down further. Be brave and ignore the invisible judgments that you feel are weighing down on your shoulders because really, most of it is in your head. Keep striving for whatever you want because anyone deserves to have what they truly want. Just keep going. If you’re not sure yet then take your time cos your time to shine may come later than anyone else’s. Just KEEP hoping. I swear it sounds like wishful thinking. But if it’s happened to so many ppl before (motivational stories GALORE) why can’t it be you next? Pray. Hope. Be Brave.

eeyer i hate suspension.

I’m starting to like how life is like now as i’ve finally gotten over the sloth-like, every minute feels like an hour, just wanna sleep until the next day phase. It was either because my hormones have been mutating like craaaazaayee thus giving me PMS that lasted a whole month OR my sinus has been so bad without me even noticing because i’m completely immunised to the disease to the point that i’ve been so deprived of oxygen in my sleep, hence the fatigue. Probably a mixture of both. A real crappy feeling that i don’t ever wanna go through again.

Anyway i’m also really glad i’m gonna start work next week cos at least i’ll have smth to take my mind of the horrid-ness of the coming friday. Shit i think the minute they announce the official date (although we all kinda know already) on the news i won’t ever be able to sleep cos the stinging reality of it all would just be prying my eyelids open and repeatedly poking my brain saying “HAHA you’re doooomed!” over and over again. It’s not so much the idea of not being able to go anywhere given my results because i know eventually there’ll always be a way out. It’s more this overwhelming fear that i’ll never be able to fulfill any personal goals i set for myself no matter how hard i work. I’ve only just begun to accept that the purely academic route is just not the way for me. I’ve struggled for too long and hiding from the truth is only hurting me more. I began my journey in jc with fresh perspectives and renewed determination to stop being a slacker but it only carried me so far. Sure i’ve made improvements and all that i’ll always be proud of but in the real world just improving is never enough. You need to exceed everybody else’s improvements and achievements. I’ve always felt like i only get back less than half of the effort i put in and it doesn’t help when there are people around you who just tower over you with their natural talent barely lifting a brain muscle. It may not always be as obvious as effortless success but you get the picture (their last minute blast-throughs vs your long term dilligence etc etc). Throughout school life i began to believe more and more that nothing is ever fair but really i’m starting to think that’s just feeling sorry for yourself ain’t it. If you’re not getting what you want then WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! You deserve to get what  you want as much as that ass-kicking smart cookie wants to become a money-machine. It might not be the conventional route but who gives a damn. I can’t be Little Miss Hanging-Onto-A-Lifebuoy forever. Sometimes risk is worth it. The worst thing wld be to plunge into smth you’re only alright with only to remain stagnant confused and repressed a few years down the road. Go ahead and laugh. Tell me i just wasted two years in jc. So what if i did (even though i know i didn’t) cos at least i didn’t waste my life.

P.S. I’m not emo! Just letting loose.

Oh sunny day!

I love taking pictures at home when it’s bright and sunny (:

Yes!

“The truth is hard. The truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. I mean, people think they want the truth. But do they really?
The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can’t help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.”

Grey’s Anatomy

We all could take a little advice from this dude.

I think now’s the time for us to feel encouraged.

Self-loathing

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

You’re such a pig

I AM SUCH A PIG. I will stop being one tmr. No procrastination. Really. Tmr 10am i will awake to the morning sun and start GYM-INGGGG!!!! Well tt is after i hit the snooze button 8475984764876743 times and brush my teeth, drink water and eat something. So i’ll prolly only start in the afternoon. Good enough (:

hmmm…

OKAY so it’s time for the annual flashback into the year that has just flown by. Strangely i absolutely cldn’t feel the transition into 2010. Maybe it’s cos my house has been in such a mess and has only just been cleaned up cos of my kitchen renovations, so for the first time i had no christmas decor (smth i am usually busy with at the end of every year). Sad. But it’s okay cos now my house has a brand new kitchen which is awesomeeeee. Or maybe it’s cos i don’t hafta get up at 6am tmr cos while everyone is stressing about their first day back at schooool.. and i get to sleep innnn! So it feels like my holidays are being extended and the year hasn’t started yet. Kinda sad that i’ve come to relate the new year to new school books and new teachers. If this was back in primary school i’d be crying now cos i don’t wanna go back to school. If this was back in secondary school i’d be having nightmares about my coming O level results. But this is NOW and i hate the fact tt my nightmares about getting A B U U U or B C A B B F9 (???!) for A’s have been feeling so REAL. I actually wake up feeling depressed instead of relieved that it was JUST a dream. I rmbr one where i dreamt ms tng was mocking me for failing econs ): There’s really so much more for us to explore in this big big world apart from school school school and more school. Ok results aside, it’s a new year and i’m so glad 2009 is behind me although i’ve started to really miss school. It’s time for me to stop thinking “I’ll stop procrastinating tmr” cos it’s not helpinnnggg. I need to embark on my tennis lessons, german language course and part-time job before it’s too late!

Anyway i think i’ve been reflecting a lot throughout this -wait- LAST year cos i kinda don’t have anything to say about this new year. Everything seems to be flashing before me like a dream, the guys going to army and the girls trying to find work to get some pocket money.  I’m still in bummer-mode but i’ll get out of it SOON. haha there goes my procrastination again. This will definitely be a crazy year. A year of change and new things. But i’m really looking forward to it. I need change. I’m so tired of the monotony and repetition of mainstream education. I seem to have reached a stage where i no longer want to be in my comfort zone. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. All i know is that throughout this period of change i hope to maintain the friendships that meant so much to me over these past two yrs. It’s something i couldn’t bear to change <3

I need to stop saying that i’ll do stuff next year cos next year is NOW. OMG. I also need to stop having nightmares about results cos it’s making me more depressed by the day. Can hardly believe it’s 2010. Gheez.